Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental condition that results in mood swings and unstable behavioral patterns. In some people, it could also lead to bipolar disorder in extreme cases.
People suffering from BPD or bipolar disorder have issues maintaining their interpersonal relationships and often struggle to respect other people’s boundaries. About 1.6% adults in the US alone have been diagnosed with BPD.
Love bombing, on the other hand, is an expression of excessive love. And while the person at the receiving end feels good about the demonstration at first, they are soon smothered by the love bomber’s presence, as they want to gain access in every part of their lives, because they supposedly love them.
Now, is a person with BPD always a love bomber? Not necessarily. Or, is a love bomber always suffering from BPD as well? Not really. But in many cases, these two conditions overlap, and this makes a frightening combination. Those at the receiving end have a very hard time navigating the ups and downs that come with the mood swings.
As someone who has encountered such a person before, I will try to explain in this article what love bombing with BPD looks like and how to navigate through it.
What does Love Bombing in BPD Look Like?
Love bombing in those suffering from borderline personality disorder may often give rise to narcissistic traits. You face a deluge of emotions and not always be able to keep track of them. Here are some traits to look out for.
1. Excessive Demonstration of Love
The first trait you would notice is that there would be an excessive demonstration of love. If you have just met the person, you would have no way of knowing about their issues and you could feel they really care for you.
They will call and text you often, ask you where you are, what you have been doing, all seeming like genuine concerns. They will send flowers and presents and they are sure to make you feel like the most important person in their life.
2. Lack of Action
However, you will notice after a while that the demonstration of love is only verbal and there is very little action on their part to back it up. For example, they will send you flowers every day but will probably not pick you up if you are stranded somewhere, citing some excuse that they are away from work.
They will probably do a few nice things for you initially, but once they know they have been able to convince you, their words will not translate into actions anymore. You will feel they are constantly in your life but will not find them when you need them the most.
3. Expectations of Returns
For a love bomber with BPD, everything is about returns. They will first hint and then explicitly say that they do all the nice things for you but you do not care for them as much. Even if the things they ask of you cross your boundaries, they will expect you do those things for them, which is not what love should be about.
Yet, they will not cease to verbally overwhelm you with words of love, often leaving you doubtful whether you are indeed the one doing wrong to them. If you have an anxious attachment style yourself, this is going to be worse.
4. Instant Gratification
Those with BPD have trouble regulating their personality and they often have difficulty understanding their own needs. Hence, everything they think of, they want it right then and instant gratification is all they know.
They usually have no idea whether what they want is sustainable in the long run. And combined with love bombing, this means they will expect that instant gratification from you, in return for all the nice things they say to you. You either cater to their needs right then, whether it is possible for you or not, or you do not love them anymore.
5. Invoking Guilt
Love bombers with BPD can be narcissistic in nature, and one of the things they do to have their way with you is to invoke your guilt. They will often gaslight you, and make you believe that you are the one wronging them. If you do not have a clear sense of self, it is very easy to fall prey to these manipulations.
Love bombers often have to fill an emotional void but they are unable to do so. To cope with that, they often make others feel guilty and bad about themselves, just so that they can have the upper hand in the relationship.
6. Irritability and Anger
Lastly, you will face a lot of irritability and anger from his side for not meeting his expectations. You always have to tell them where you are or else you are cheating on them.
Or, you always have to pick up their calls, even if you are at a conference. If not, you are ignoring them. And this demonstration of anger can often be severe at times, if your partner is also bipolar.
Dealing with Love Bombing and BPD in Relationships
Dealing with someone who has BPD and is constantly love bombing you can be very tricky. Especially if you genuinely love that person for some other qualities they may have. Here is how to deal with them.
1. Setting Boundaries
Many of the issues that people face in relationships is because they cannot maintain their boundaries. It is very important to build boundaries and stick to them. If you mean “No”, then stick with that.
Narcissists and those with BPD will make you feel bad until you relent. And after a while, they have a very good idea of when that is going to be. So, you have to show them that you are not relenting and you are capable of holding your own.
2. Healing your Anxious Attachment
It is important to heal your own childhood traumas if you are to free yourself from the grips of a love bomber with BPD, or at least remain unaffected by them. If you have grown up in an environment where you were starved for love, or you always had to earn the love of your caregiver, then you may have carried that into your adulthood.
You could be afraid to let go of the love bombing partner, even if they infringe your boundaries. All because deep down you fear abandonment and you are always anxious that your partner will leave you if you do not cater to their needs above your own.
3. Breaking Free of Guilt
Breaking free of guilt is the key to dealing with a love bombing. With their BPD, they will often guilt-trip you into doing things that you don’t want to do and you end up doing it because you do not want to deal with their mood swings.
You have to break out of this pattern by standing strong. It is important to be able to confront your partner and ask them exactly where you went wrong and challenge them when they do so. Being assertive is one of most crucial ways of dealing with your partner.
4. Hold them Accountable
If you are going to deal with a love bomber, then it is important to hold them accountable for their actions. And you will have to do so risking their irritability and anger that result from their BPD.
But you have to ask them when they guilt-trip you, about their contribution in the relationship. Mere words demonstrating passionate love is not enough. You have to question them about the times when they were unable to meet your needs.
5. Power of Walking Away
Lastly, you have to have the courage of walking away, when you are in a relationship with a love bomber with BPD. That when you regain your power. If your partner realizes that no matter what, you are not going to leave them, they will never try to mend their behavior or seek the help they need.
The shift in your mindset is going to be the catalyst that can induce them to look within and change themselves. Yes, it can be very difficult to get rid of narcissistic behavior entirely, but it is possible to work on it. But your partner will never step up to it if they don’t realize they can lose you because of their behavior.
BPD, Love Bombing and Relationships: How Therapy can Help?
When you first enter into a relationship with someone with BPD, you will obviously not be able to encounter their issues just at first. Their love bombing will seem like passionate admissions of whole-hearted love.
However, when you realize the patterns, go for therapy is the only way out of this issue. You will, of course benefit when both of you go to the therapist. However, if your partner is in complete denial and refuses to go to the therapist, then you can seek counseling yourself to help understand how to deal with them.
You will also gain a clear perspective of whether you want to continue living with the partner, or whether you were in the relationship because of your own anxious attachment style. With therapy, you can come towards a more secure attachment style and gain the strength of walking away from the relationship if your partner becomes too overbearing.
Final Thoughts
People with BPD often have traumas in their childhood that made them this way. Hence, it is important to be compassionate while dealing with them. However, this should not be at the cost of your own mental health.
It can be heartbreaking to recognize that the love bombing was just a manipulative technique and that it was not true love. Therapy and counseling can be very helpful in such situations. You should consider all aspects before continuing with the relationship for a healthy and stable future. I hope my views helped you gain a clear perspective and inspired you to seek counseling if you are in a relationship with someone having BPD and love bombing you.
She is an experienced Clinical Psychologist and Mental Health Writer with a decade of expertise in psychology. Skilled in assessment, therapy, and patient care. Committed to helping individuals through clinical practice and mental health writing at Therapyjourney.co. Passionate about promoting mental well-being and awareness. Open to aligned opportunities.