We all despise being disrespected by someone younger, but if that person is your child, that hurts even more. In return for raising and nurturing them throughout their lives, the least you expect is their love and respect.
But there can be times when your grown child might treat you with contempt. Those situations are tough to handle as your brain gets fogged by too many emotions connected to that human being.
But in the end, they are human, too, and they have their reasons for acting like that.
Today, we will discuss all the possible reasons why a grown child might act disrespectfully to you and how you can deal with it.
What Is Disrespect?
Broadly, the term “disrespect” means lacking admiration or regard for another person. But based on situations and relationships, the parameters of disrespect can vary.
What seems disrespectful between a boss and subordinate might not seem disrespectful between parent and child.
Some consider disobedience to be disrespectful, whereas others refer to disrespect as rude and inconsiderate behaviour.
Some examples of situations that are often mistaken as disrespectful include:
- Asking for privacy
- Voicing opinions
- Spending limited time with parents/ caregivers
- Asking others to be on time
- Choosing a different life than parents/caregivers
- Asking others not to interfere in how they want to raise their kids.
Why Is It So Difficult For Parents To Handle Disrespect From Grown Children?
The answer can be different for different people. Still, the most common thought behind feeling so hurt is you think your child has forgotten all your years of sacrifice and effort.
When they are young, their tantrums or their saying “I hate you” or “I don’t love you” may not hurt that bad; in fact, most of us were rebels in our teens and gave our parents a hard time.
But when the criticism and disrespect comes from a grown child, your take on their actions suddenly changes.
All those years of taking them to soccer practice, folding their laundry, spending your free time doing their school projects, and sacrificing your needs to fulfill their wishes will flash in front of your eyes. And all that burden will make it even more difficult for you to see past their actions and understand the underlying reasons.
Along with all that, receiving disrespect from a grown child messes with one of the biggest fears of some parents, and that is the fear of abandonment. If all your life your kid has been the center of your world and you have no one else to go to, the slightest disrespect from your grown child can trigger this fear.
And lastly, as a person, if you’ve always been surrounded by people who are very gentle and measured in their behavior and actions, it can be difficult for you to adjust to the fact that someone can disrespect you, especially if that is your own child.
Studies also show that, in a parent-child conflict, the parents are always more affected, as they are in their final stage of life and hence more invested in that relationship. Whereas for grown kids, their attention gets diverted by other important events like education, career, friendship, and new relationships.
So, the parent’s emotional dependency on the grown child is also a big reason why the slightest disrespect from them can be so bothersome.
Understanding Why Your Grown Child Might Disrespect You
Around the world, a large population of grown children (18 to 34 years) choose to live with their parents. These are also the people who are more likely to be affected by the matter we are discussing today.
Especially when the roles start shifting, and the child becomes the caregiver, more conflict and disrespect happen.
Apart from that, here are some reasons why your grown child might behave rudely with you.
Conveying Truth
As much as we like to believe that parents can do no wrong, the truth is that they are humans and can make wrong decisions, too.
In the past, if you had taken any decision on behalf of your child that made them suffer or didn’t go as intended, they might talk to you about it now, which might come across as disrespectful.
Mental Health
As someone ages, their career, society, and other external and internal factors can damage their mental health. Suppose your grown child is suffering from any mental health issues. In that case, chances are that their reactions towards you would also be influenced by it.
Deteriorating mental health can also be a reason why your grown child’s behavior towards you is shifting and becoming harsher. Hence, you should look for the underlying reason instead of scratching the surface.
Substance Abuse
Young adults are often more susceptible to substance abuse, and if your adult child has an alcohol or substance use disorder, it can profoundly impact your relationship.
Substance abuse often makes a person lose their temper and meddle with their genuine emotions and intentions. So, even if they didn’t intend to be disrespectful towards you, their actions might seem otherwise.
Influence Of Others
Your child’s arrogance towards you may be fueled by someone else – like their friends, spouse, or someone very close to them.
If you have separated from your spouse on lousy terms, their influence can also spark your child’s attitude change towards you.
How To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child?
Setting strict rules, keeping them grounded, or taking away their car keys are things you can use to deal with a disrespectful teen. But with a grown child, things are different.
So here are some effective ways you can consider to deal with a disrespectful grown child.
1. Consider Changing Your Parenting Approach
You first need to understand that they are not your little kids anymore, and their needs have changed. So, with time, you must adjust your parenting approach, or it can create greater conflict.
If you have an authoritative parenting style, you should try switching to less rigid parenting that lets them make their decision while you guide them.
Or if you had been missing throughout their childhood, actively try to spend more time with them.
2. Practice Open Communication
To deal with a grown child’s disrespectful behavior, you first need to understand where all this is coming from. For this, clear communication is a must.
Discuss their behavior with them in a gentle manner, and be very selective of your words.
Instead of directly accusing them of harsh behavior, try to politely ask them what’s bothering them and why they are acting this way. Give them space to explain what’s going on in their life and listen without interrupting.
What they say may be hard for you to listen to, but keep an open mind and focus on your love and care for them.
3. Reflect Upon Yourself
If your grown child accuses you of doing something, instead of denying it, take a step back and think it through.
If you two keep conflicting in the same situation for long, you can even seek help from relationship counselors.
4. Set Clear Boundaries
You can only amend situations with your grown child if you, too, are protected. To save yourself from emotional damage, you need to set clear boundaries.
Understand that there is a difference between allowing your child to express their anger and letting them abuse you. So don’t let them verbally insult you, intentionally damage property, get physically violent, or intentionally waste your time or resources.
5. Acknowledge The Damage You May Have Caused
Don’t wait until your child lashes out and blames you for what you did wrong to them. If you have the slightest hint of what you did wrong, acknowledge and apologize for it.
There is a massive difference between them blaming you and then taking accountability and you acknowledging your mistakes upfront.
FAQ’s
Stop getting involved in their matters unless they ask for it. Let them make their decisions, give them space, don’t offer advice unless they ask, and try to follow their parenting style.
If your adult child abuses you in any way or starts manipulating and exploiting you, you should start disengaging with them.
If your child is not calling you intentionally, then it can be a result of unresolved childhood hurt. But if their schedule or career doesn’t allow them much personal time, then it is not their fault.
Final Thoughts
If you and your adult child had a rough start, there is a high chance that they might be irreverent as they age. But as a parent, you must keep open communication to sort things out for good.
Hope the tips mentioned here will help you to deal better with the impolite behavior of your adult child, but if things are getting out of hand, you should consider taking an expert’s help.
She is an experienced Clinical Psychologist and Mental Health Writer with a decade of expertise in psychology. Skilled in assessment, therapy, and patient care. Committed to helping individuals through clinical practice and mental health writing at Therapyjourney.co. Passionate about promoting mental well-being and awareness. Open to aligned opportunities.