How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage [For Both Men and Women]

Sexless marriages are common these days, and many couples feel that it is okay to live like roommates. However, sex and intimacy are an integral part of any marriage and studies have shown that about 15% of marriages in the USA alone are sexless.

This is a staggering number because of lack of sex can be the result of various issues within the marriage. And if these issues are not resolved quickly, then it almost always ends up in a divorce. If the partners are not averse to sex but are trapped in the marriage for other reasons, there are chances that one or both of the partners will end up cheating at some point.

Whether you are a man or woman, wanting to have sex is a primal feeling. So, if you don’t want to have sex with your partner anymore, or your partner feels the same, then you have to look at the underlying causes. Has it always been like this? Or did the urge to have sex disappear over time? Do both of you feel this way or only one of you?

Having the answers to these questions can help you find a solution. Let us find out.

Causes of a Sexless Marriage

Every couple is different, and so are their reasons for not having sex. But irrespective of gender, here are some reasons that can lead to a sexless marriage.

1. Unhappiness

Unhappiness with your partner is one of the biggest reasons why you may not want to have sex with them. This could be because you were forced to marry the person because of pressure from your family.

In many cultures around the world, it is still the norm that the parents and the immediate community members choose a husband or wife.

And although many factors come into play in favor of marriage, like social status or educational qualification, love and attraction is not one of them. Hence, it is understandable that you wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who was not your choice of partner in the first place.

2. Lack of Communication

People have different preferences when it comes to sex. While some prefer gentle sex, others like more robust action in bed. It is impossible to want to have sex with someone who wants something completely different from you.

Lack of communicating about what you want only makes things difficult. However, even married couples find it difficult to talk to each other about what they want.

3. Loss of Libido

You may not be averse to your partner, but you might just experience a loss of libido. This could be due to various reasons. Stress and depression are the primary causes of loss of libido.

Before you figure out whether you want to have sex with your partner, you should think about what makes you interested in sex. If you cannot figure out what makes you excited, then it will be tough to communicate it to your partner.

4. Physical Ailments

Certain physical ailments can cause loss of sexual desire. If you have backbone issues or muscle tensions that prevents you from having trying out the various sexual positions, you will soon notice monotony setting in.

Variation in the sexual positions is one of the things that keep excitement alive in the bedroom and not doing that can result in a sexless marriage altogether over time.

5. External Problems

Certain external problems can lead to a sexless marriage. For example, if both of you are going through financial issues, and you are having trouble paying the bills or facing a mortgage closure, or if you have a sick kid, sex could be the last things on your mind.

Over time, you become so used to living with problems and solving them that you forget your own personal needs and those of your partner and just become used to a sexless marriage.

How to Rekindle Sex in Your Marriage?

If you want to revive your sex life within your marriage, then there are certain things you should be doing to set things right. Irrespective of your gender, here are some things you can do.

Dating Each Other

Before starting to get physical, try knowing yourself and your partner all over again. If you have gone without sex for a couple of years, you have to understand that you may have changed as a person in the intervening years.

Get to know your partner all over again by having date nights, just like you used to when you first met each other or in the initial days of your marriage.

Transform Yourself

You need to transform yourself if you want to rekindle passion in your sex life. It is easy to let yourself go when you do not have to get naked before someone. And it is not attractive to have a big belly or hairy limbs while having sex.

Hit the gym and groom yourself to make yourself attractive to your partner. Dress cutely or smartly, whichever your gender demands. When you see your partners in a whole new light, you will automatically break out of the monotony to a large extent.

Lots of Communication

Communication is the key to a happy marriage, and you have to be able to do that with your partner in matters of sex. Talk to the other person about what you want and be mindful of what they want as well. Most importantly, do not feel offended if they want you to change a few things in bed.

Rather, be grateful that they trust you enough to open up and be vulnerable. In the same way, communicate how you feel and they would be as receptive as well. And then, you can slowly start again and take it from there.

Trying out New Things

It is essential to try out new things to rekindle your sex life in marriage. Trying out new positions is definitely at the top of the list. You can also try cosplay, use sex toys, indulge in role-play or try out other ideas.

You need to get out of the set routine you were used to. Or, if you are having sex for the first time, then you can start slow and steady and go with the flow rather than being too random at the beginning.

Change of Environment

Sometimes, a change of environment can also lead to a rekindling of romance. This is especially true if you have been living a stressful life at home. Maybe you are too overwhelmed with kids, or you have nagging relatives and parents who seem to get in your way.

Going away for a vacation is a great idea. Or, if you cannot get away for a long time, even a romantic weekend getaway can do the trick. You will probably relive memories that will get you in the mood all over again.

Build Intimacy

What many people do not understand is that sex is a gradual process. Your loss of sexual urge for your partner probably did not happen in a day. And so the urge to have it again will also take some time.

However, use this time to build intimacy with your partner. Human touch is very important, and we all become desensitized at some point. So even before you have sex, think of giving your partner more hugs, kisses and cuddles. Get used to touching each other again, and the rest will follow.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues and Opting for Sex Therapy

Mental health issues are one of the primary causes why one may lose the urge to have sex. Depression, anxiety and PTSD can make it impossible to want to have sex. Some people completely isolate themselves, let alone wanting sex or any other kind of intimacy.

In such cases, it is essential to be patient with yourself and your partner. You can either opt for counselling, or if you only have inhibitions around sex, then you can opt for sex therapy as well.

Some people are not always opposed to their partners, but they are often triggered by other incidents. If they were sexually abused as children or have had emotionally unavailable caregivers, it would be very difficult for them to open up to their partners in matters as intimate as sex.

Going through therapy individually or as a couple can help both of you. Your therapist can help you break down the ice and overcome your own inhibitions, if any. Regular counseling will surely help and make things better.

Final Thoughts

A sexless marriage is seldom a happy one. However, it is essential to address the underlying issues rather than letting resentment build up for your partner over their lack of desire. It is also essential to become introspective at this point.

While seeking sex outside marriage may seem like an easy solution, it will not help your family in the long term. Going through therapy and counseling can not only help fix your sex life. Still, it will also resolve many of the issues that led to it. Most importantly, be loving and empathetic towards your partner, and you will discover each other all over again.