How to Deal With a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Almost 5.9% of the US population might be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and the numbers are only increasing. A person diagnosed with BPD disorder commonly experiences a constant feeling of instability in emotions and mood, which can be chaotic for their family.

If a parent is diagnosed with BPD, it gets challenging for the child to have good mental health. To tackle that, the child needs to learn to set boundaries, get educated about BPD and its triggers, and take professional help regularly.

If the child does not know what to expect from their BPD parent, it can become difficult to have a supportive and caring mindset, let alone a healthy relationship.

Keep reading to know what to expect from a BPD parent and how to deal with that.

Borderline Personality Disorder: Causes, Symptoms & Treatment

To be able to deal with a Parent affected by BPD, you need to get into the nuances of this problem, and it is only possible if you know the causes, symptoms, and how to treat it. Hence, we have discussed the same in detail below.

Causes

While there are several factors leading to BPD, a traumatic childhood, genetic inheritance, and an unfriendly environment are the most common reasons.

High Alert Brain

People with BPD have hyperactive brains, so their chances of getting into a conflict or fight are high. It takes over their rational brain and triggers their primal survival instincts, which results in unfavorable outcomes for both, themselves and their surroundings.

Genetical Inheritance

If the ancestors had BPD, there could be a possibility of inheriting the trait of the illness, although it is not guaranteed that BPD can be passed on through generations.

Childhood Trauma

According to a study, around 70% of people suffering from BPD had a history of childhood traumatic experiences. It can be due to inappropriate parental guidance or any kind of physical, emotional, or sexual harassment.

Symptoms

The symptoms of borderline personality disorder vary from person to person and can depend on factors like age. However, some common signs are:

• Fear of abandonment
• Frequent changes in mood
• Self-destructive behavior
• Intense anger followed by guilt
• Paranoid episodes
• Unhealthy relationships

Age Specificity

BPD is diagnosed in adults, but the onset can be as early as 12 years. If the symptoms persist for over a year, connecting with an expert is the best move.

Diagnosis

Now that you know the root causes and probable symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, it is time to look for solutions. According to Cleveland Clinic, here are some measures you can take.

• Getting a detailed interview with a psychiatrist or mental health expert
• Completing questionnaires provided by licensed psychiatrists
• Examining the medical history.
• Conducting discussion on signs and symptoms

Treatment

According to HelpGuide, finding the right psychotherapist is the first step to treating borderline personality disorder.

However, depending on one’s need, one can be prescribed the below-mentioned varieties of therapy:

• Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), 
• Schema-focused Therapy, 
• Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT), 
• Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem-solving (STEPPS),
• Transference Focused Psychotherapy (TFP).

If the conditions are severe, the patient may need to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital or clinic to prevent self-injury or suicidal thoughts.

Difference Between Borderline Personality Disorder And Bipolar Disorder

Those who are unaware of mental health conditions often don’t know the difference  between borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a prevailing pattern of abrupt and momentary mood swings, behavior, and self-image usually triggered by conflicts and interactions with others.

Whereas bipolar disorder is manic depression, which causes mood swings and low energy and hampers the ability to function throughout the day without external triggers.

What to Expect From Parents With BPD?

Living with someone who is diagnosed with BPD can be a challenge and gets even more emotionally and mentally draining if the person is your parent. As much as the condition affects them, it takes an even bigger toll on their offspring.

The children of such parents often develop a trait that is commonly known as “walking on eggshells” as a defense mechanism since they barely have an understanding of the emotional turmoil their parents are going through.

Therefore, it is crucial to first educate them on what they can expect if any of their parents or primary caregivers have BPD.

Hence, below are some common traits of borderline parents.

• Getting overly upset and angry when things don’t go their way.
• Seeking constant approval from children, spouses, or other members of the family.
• Often making children feel like they are average or not good enough.
• While lashing out, it easily escalates to borderline rage, even for minor reasons. 
• Substance abuse (drugs, alcohol, or other substances).
• Attempting suicides or self-harm.
• Extreme hot and cold behavior, meaning either staying absolutely distant or switching to being overly loving.
• Constantly suffering from fear of abandonment and having major paranoia and trust issues.

Dealing With a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder

Dealing with a person who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder can already be exhausting.  Adding to that, if the person is a parent, their child needs to take certain measures not to get affected by them.

Here’s how to deal with a parent with BPD while maintaining a healthy relationship with them.

1. Focusing On Self-Care

BDP parents often discard the feelings of their child, which can lead to psychological disorders like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem if not taken care of properly.

So, to avoid that, it is better for the child to invest in self-development. Here are some tips that can help:

• Taking help from therapists and mental health professionals.
• Setting boundaries with the parent.
• Using action-based therapies like journaling to channel the thoughts and emotions after any upsetting incident with the parent.
• Staying physically healthy by doing regular exercise, drinking enough water, eating nutritious food, and getting proper sleep.
• Doing meditation.
• Maintaining healthy distance/space when needed.

2. Learning About Borderline Personality Disorder

Being unaware of Borderline Personality Disorder can cause a lot of misunderstanding between the child and the parent. This affects their relationship and surrounds the child with negative emotions like self-doubt.

Therefore, learning about BPD and how it makes a shift in behaviors can help the child process situations better rather than imploding.

For that, they can either talk with professionals about it or join support groups that raise awareness of BPD and provide a safe space for the child to vent without judgment.

3. Making Changes In Themselves

Since the child can’t control the reaction of a borderline parent, they need to avoid certain situations to safeguard themselves. Here are some tips they need to follow.

• Not encouraging attention-seeking behavior.
• Not getting into a codependent relationship.
• Validating their own feelings and not suppressing them.
• Learning to take a stand for themselves and not taking any insult by heart.
• Not letting the parent treat them as a doormat.
• Trying to solve the problem instead of avoiding it.

4. Learning About What Can’t be Changed and Accepting it

BPD is commonly diagnosed during late childhood and early adulthood. Therefore, the child needs to understand that they are not the cause and they can’t change it either.

 If the parents had a toxic childhood, they see their behavior or actions as normal, and trying to change them after their 30s can be difficult, especially the ways in which they react to stress.

Criticizing their particular traits, like spending habits, substance abuse, etc., can spark an argument. It is most likely because they do them as a coping mechanism to handle stress and anxiety.

5. Set Boundaries

The child may not be able to change the parent’s habits, but they can build some habits of their own. Setting boundaries will be one of them. BPD parents can often become excessively controlling. To deal with that, the child must learn to set and reinforce boundaries.

Healthy boundaries, such as respecting personal space, can bring balance to such relationships. Borderline parents may not like this idea and may invalidate the reasoning, but it is up to the child to stay firm in their decisions and reinforce them anytime they cross the boundaries.

This practice will be difficult and tiresome for the offspring if they are very young. In that case, seeking professional help can make it easier.

6. Encourage Therapy

An individual diagnosed with BPD must get professional help. For a parent, it becomes even more crucial since their condition directly impacts the lives of the offspring.

Therefore, for BPD parents, along with individual therapy, taking family counseling can be a better choice to address the trauma and improve communication.

Potential Impacts Of Growing Up With Borderline Parents

Nonetheless, if children do not take good care of themselves, the disorder of their parents can cause severe emotional and mental distress that can be scarring for a lifetime.

Here are some common side effects of being raised by a borderline parent.

1. It Might Weaken Relationship Skills

Children who grow up with BPD-diagnosed parents tend to grow up to be individuals who have weak relationship skills. They are so habituated to playing the role of the caregiver that they become people pleasers and end up hurting themselves even more.

They are often too afraid to open up to their partners and get vulnerable since they fear that someone might use it against them.

Their habit of having low expectations from partners blinds them from correctly differentiating between giving efforts and doing the bare minimum.

2. Emotional Denial

Since they have always been more careful and attentive toward their parent’s emotions while ignoring their own, once they start focusing on themselves, it can get overwhelming.

They may feel stunned while trying to understand their own emotions, and instead of validating, they might start oppressing them. For that, they may start denying their true feelings or, more commonly, start to intellectualize them.

3. Becoming Codependent

Codependency is a complex emotion that leads to a behavioral pattern where the person feels extremely dependent on certain loved ones. It can be any relationship, starting from parents and family to friends and partners.

A codependent person faces difficulty in making decisions in a relationship, navigating their feelings, communicating their thoughts, lacks self-esteem, and seeks constant validation from their loved ones.

4. Psychological Distress

Developing psychological issues like depression, anxiety, or substance abuse is one of the most common side effects of growing up with borderline parents.

While the parent cannot be directly blamed for causing these issues, they are definitely responsible to an extent. In the formative years and teens, children require special care and attention. BPD parents lack that, which can be the root cause of psychological instabilities in the child.

5. Impulsiveness

People diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have the tendency to make impulsive decisions. When a child observes their parents and follows in their footsteps, it makes them impulsive decision-makers too.

This leads to issues like substance abuse, gambling, poor money management, etc.

6. Poor Self-esteem

Children who grow up with borderline parents are often embarrassed and ashamed of their family dynamics. This is one of the major reasons for their poor-self esteem.

Moreover, while growing up, every child requires unconditional love, acceptance, and empathy, which a BPD parent lacks. This makes the child struggle even more with self-worth and self-esteem, therefore impacting their social skills.

Conclusion

Growing up with a parent with borderline personality disorder most definitely takes away a huge part of a kid’s childhood and innocence. However, it is equally important for the children to be aware of the situation as soon as possible.

They need education on their parent’s situation and techniques to deal with it so that they can deal with their parents better. Children, by nature, will always look up to their parents for love and support.

Teaching them how to set boundaries and practice self-love can save them from growing up as inferior and self-sabotaging individuals.