Saying No to Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

It can be challenging to say “no” to someone with a borderline personality disorder. And if expressed in an incorrect way, it can set off an emotional meltdown because it will make them feel rejected. It might be difficult to find your way through these situations without creating guilt or hurt.

You may put forth extra effort at the beginning of the relationship to soothe your BPD partner’s anxiety and burdens. But, as time progresses, it is only normal for exhaustion to set in. To put it simply, you feel like nothing you say or do is adequate.

You may find all of these emotionally draining. You will be worn down by fatigue constantly. You’ll be devastated and anxious to the point of almost giving up and walking away. Consider how things escalated since you simply couldn’t refuse your BPD partner any longer.

Learn to say no in a loving and compassionate way if you care about someone with a borderline personality disorder. Keeping your emotions in check will put you in a better position to aid the individual who has BPD. Your relationship with them will be strengthened as a result.

In this article, we’ll discuss tactful ways to say “no” to someone with BPD. Let’s first try to get our heads around BPD and what exactly these “episodes” are all about.

By learning about BPD, you can establish boundaries that work for you as well as the other person.

Borderline Personality Disorder

You can’t have a meaningful conversation with someone with BPD until you fully grasp the disorder’s fundamental characteristics. The condition is characterized by emotional instability, impulsive behavior, and an incorrect perception of self.

If you don’t experience BPD yourself, it’s difficult to comprehend how others with the disease feel. A person with BPD can appear to be overreacting and sulking because of their volatile emotions and explosive behavior. Sometimes a spouse with BPD can seem like a spoiled brat. When you say no to someone or don’t accept their demands, they often become aggressive.

A spouse with a borderline personality disorder may appear too emotional, dramatic, or passionate. They have every right to influence and dominate you; you would be wrong to doubt it. Or maybe you think this is who they really are on the inside, and they are disrespectful and abusive.

The truth is far scarier than imagination. Your disapproval or rejection set off an anxiety response of being abandoned. They see your actions as a form of rejection. The result is a cascade of negative feelings, including deep sadness and embarrassment.

Hence, as a result of their intensity, these feelings will stick around for a while. Those struggling with BPD rarely recover from their condition.

An individual who has borderline personality disorder may actively seek to shield themselves from emotional pain by avoiding these intense emotions. They’ll try to either provoke you or push you away. They frequently engage in actions like this that only hurt themselves.

The emotional trauma and mood fluctuations that your BPD spouse experiences can be difficult to comprehend, even if you’re well-read on the subject.

The most similar clinical condition to a BPD episode is a panic attack. The anxious feeling begins to rise from the depths of the stomach, and the chest begins to constrict.

Your heart rate intensifies, and your self-assurance plummets to zero. You’ll have overwhelming thoughts of being unlovable, unworthy, and insufficient.

It seems as though the person with BPD is paralyzed by their emotions, even if they desperately want to push past them.

Dizziness and nausea are some of the possible bodily manifestations. The person may have a dreamy or surreal experience in which their thoughts become confused and distorted.

They believe there is nowhere to run. Rage in people with borderline personality disorder is triggered by this. If your partner has subdued BPD, this could cause a full-blown breakdown, rendering them unable to experience emotion, take physical action, or express themselves.

To try to explain in words what it’s like to live with BPD would be unfair. Get professional guidance from a therapist or counselor if you don’t think your efforts are making a significant enough difference.

Saying No to Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Individuals with BPD often feel intense emotions when it comes to their connections with others. To add insult to injury, it can be challenging for the non-BPD individual to say “no.”

Eventually, everyone has to just flat-out refuse something. Unfortunately, a BPD partner’s intense feelings can make us desire to avoid conflict at all costs.

While it is crucial that we never sugarcoat our “no,” it is equally crucial that we respect and accommodate our BPD partner’s sensitivities. There is no standard length of time for a BPD relationship or friendship cycle; instead, how long a relationship or friendship lasts depends on the commitment level of both individuals. Below are five tips to assist you in expressing yourself:

1. Hear Them Out

The BPD individual is fully aware of when they are not being heard. The condition makes them extremely perceptive, so they can often read your emotions even by looking at your face. It might seem hostile at first, but do not take it that way.

Instead, make a genuine effort to listen to what they have to say because, as children, they were probably not heard. You don’t need to have a reaction always.

As you haven’t been through BPD yourself, it can be challenging to gauge their feelings. Learning about borderline personality disorder, its symptoms, the challenges people with BPD face when they are abandoned, and the available treatments is the best way to help someone with this disorder.

2. Affirm Their Feelings, Not Their Actions

Saying no to someone with BPD might be difficult due to the individual’s extreme emotional sensitivity.

As we’ve established, people with borderline personality disorder are prone to extreme mood fluctuations, which are then commonly followed by behavioral difficulties.

In spite of the fact that their sentiments may be acknowledged, their actions may be deemed inappropriate. A person with BPD in a relationship may worry that you are going to abandon them because you are emotionally distant.

These sentiments are entirely justified. Yet if your BPD partner acts on these impulses by engaging in an extra-marital affair with someone else, their behavior is no longer justified.

Having empathy for someone with BPD is crucial if you want to form a close relationship with them. It shows that you tried to see things from their perspective.

Hence, you will have a greater opportunity of communicating with your spouse with BPD if they engage in behavior with which you strongly disagree (or which is socially incorrect). To put it simply, people believe you can truly understand how they feel.

3. Put Yourself In Their Position

Most people with BPD are also trauma survivors. Those who suffer from borderline personality disorder typically haven’t been able to move over traumatic events from their childhood. This is why, when you talk to someone with BPD, you are also reminding them about the trauma they’ve encountered.

We all know it’s tough to refuse a child’s request. But despite the challenges, many parents succeed.

It’s trickier to say “no” to someone with BPD. You must first show empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and learning about the traumatic experiences they had as children. Second, after you have gained that understanding, you must proceed as if you were dealing with an adult.

It may be more productive to address the unmet needs associated with their trauma rather than argue over the “content” of their argument. Only by learning about your BPD partner and their experiences can you hope to understand these facets.

4. Identify Where Limits Need to Be Established

You need to get down to their level to comprehend things, but it doesn’t mean you have to take on all the relationship’s burdens by yourself.

Even though your BPD partner may be coping with issues stemming from their childhood, this does not make it easier for them to deal with day-to-day responsibilities.

Boundaries in a relationship are crucial for this same reason. It’s possible, for instance, that your BPD partner needs more empathy than you can give. It’s vitally important that they recognize your capabilities and constraints.

Understandably, establishing limits during an emotional outburst is unlikely. It’s not too late to prevent your BPD partner from reacting, though. Saying something like, “I get that you’re going through this, and I will do what I can to help, but I cannot support [this conduct],” is an excellent way to establish these limits.

You shouldn’t automatically assume that ignoring someone with BPD is the best course of action. Your partner’s BPD may react with increased abandonment anxiety if you do this. As an alternative, you should have a private conversation with them to explain your constraints.

5. Take Care Of Yourself, Too

Even though you two may be in a relationship, you are not the person with BPD’s savior. As with them, you have your own set of requirements and challenges. Hence, a healthy relationship requires work from both parties.

The partner with BPD may need your assistance. Yet you can’t help others in need if you aren’t in good health first. Ensure you prioritize your own health and well-being always.

You can’t make your partner forget their prior traumas, but you can be empathetic and learn from them together. Furthermore, you can play a key role as their treatment advocate.

Summary

As difficult as it may be, saying no to a loved one who has a borderline personality disorder is necessary for keeping the connection strong. By establishing reasonable limits and safeguards, you can be there for your loved one without sacrificing your own well-being.

Caring for someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be challenging in any relationship.

There are many obstacles you won’t face in a typical couple’s relationship, and finding solutions to them typically needs independent investigation. We promise, however, that it is possible to build and sustain a satisfying relationship with someone who is experiencing BPD.

Also, there are methods to say “no,” even if doing so seems difficult at the moment. They may take offense if you tell them they’re mistaken about something, but your needs are just as valid as theirs. As a result, standing firm is essential to maintaining positive relationships.