6 Ways to Recover From the Trauma of Dating Someone with BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, affects more people than it is often recognized. You may come across a difficult person with extreme mood swings and anger issues, not knowing they have BPD. In the US alone, about 1.6% of the adult population is affected by BPD. However, according to others, many cases are still undiagnosed. In reality, the number may be close to 6%.

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be extremely traumatizing. I was in such a relationship myself, and I am thankful that I could extricate myself at the right time. However, others spend years living with such a partner, all the while blaming themselves that something is wrong with them instead.

But how do you identify BPD? Is it possible to live with them in the long term? Do they ever recover? What makes such a relationship worse is that the long-term effects can leave a person broken and questioning their self-worth.

It can be very difficult to move on and even believe that a stable and healthy relationship is even possible. I will try to discuss here some of the techniques that I have been attempting to recover from the trauma of dating someone with BPD.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

If you are to recover from the trauma of dating someone with BPD, then you first have to understand what it is. BPD can be genetic, but no one knows the real reason why. In most cases, it is triggered by past issues and traumas in the person’s own life. BPD can translate into a complex condition where they have trouble regulating their emotions and behaviors.

Someone with BPD will have trouble being in a stable relationship because their emotions keep shifting. They fail to recognize what they want. They can be very impulsive, and they fear abandonment themselves. But to prevent their partner from leaving them, they often engage in manipulative techniques to keep them.

Besides, they could also suffer from suicidal tendencies and other self-harming. This can be extremely scary and traumatizing for the person living with them, but trying to talk about it often aggravates the issue further.

However, since every case of BPD is different, not everyone will have the same symptoms. Different people may have different triggers, but at the end of the day, it is always the partners who end up suffering the most.

What Happens When You Date Someone with BPD?

Dating someone with BPD can be very taxing on the person, irrespective of gender. The thing is, when you start dating someone, it is impossible to recognize they have BPD. Things only get worse with time, and you feel more and more drained emotionally. Here is how it can impact you.

1. Feeling Insecure

Feelings of insecurity are one of the first things you will notice in yourself when you date someone with BPD. As your partner tries to manipulate you, you will feel that if you don’t act accordingly, they will abandon you.

You start questioning yourself and whether your actions incite their mood swings. You live with the feeling that something is wrong with you when, in reality, it is all about them.

2. Recurring Guilt

You feel a recurring sense of guilt when you are with someone who has BPD. You constantly feel that there is something you could have done better.

Your partner with BPD will constantly gaslight you, trying to prove everything is your fault when, in reality, it is not. You will continuously live on the edge, giving rise to a toxic pattern where you lose your sense of self.

3. Feeling Trapped

Your partner with BPD will try to control you to keep you by their side, to cope with their inherent fear of abandonment. You feel invaded and overwhelmed, as they are in every aspect of your life.

They have to know everything about you, and they will even try to control your daily routine. In extreme cases, they may even interfere with your work, especially if it entails you are leaving them and traveling for a while.

4. Social Isolation

In the next stage, you may experience social isolation. You will suddenly feel that your life begins and ends with that of your partner. Your partner will suddenly control who you see and might even try to control your social life eventually.

Standing your ground will lead to outbursts almost instantly. This is mostly because your partner feels threatened that your friends will take you away from them.

5. Emotional Breakdowns

Emotional breakdowns are going to be frequent as you move deeper into the relationship. You will be broken and alone despite the fact that you are in a relationship. It could also lead to suicidal tendencies in you.

Your partner will not let you go, but at the same time, you question your self-worth constantly. In extreme cases, it might even lead to emotional abuse.

Dealing with the Trauma of Dating Someone with BPD

As mentioned earlier, there can be long-term repercussions of dating someone with BPD. It can be difficult to extricate yourself from your partner, especially since they have occupied your entire life. The rollercoaster of emotions could be difficult to deal with, but here is how you move on.

1. Do not Dwell on the Past

Getting out of any kind of trauma is to leave the past behind. Yes, it is natural to dwell on the past, especially if there were some happy moments that you want to relive. However, you have to understand that your partner did not really mean any of them.

Or, even if they did, they were just during times of emotional highs until they were triggered again. The sooner you extricate yourself from the memories, the easier it will be for you.

2. Work on Your Anxiety

One of the reasons why you may choose to stay attached to a partner with BPD is because you are anxious about losing the relationship. Many people continue to stay in difficult relationships because they think no one else will have them.

They may also be fearful of not doing well for themselves unless they have a partner and may be in denial for a long time that there is a problem in the first place. Hence, you have to deal with the anxiety and heal yourself. Once you do that, you will be able to see a future with someone who is emotionally stable.

3. Focus on Self-Development

To recover from the trauma of dating someone with BPD, you have to focus on your own growth and self-development. Dating someone with BPD can be very emotionally draining, and you could have lost touch with yourself.

You may have given up on your own dreams and aspirations to make room in your life for your partner and to accommodate their wishes only. To get out of the trauma, you need to get your brilliance back. Be it in terms of self-care, learning a new skill, or upgrading your job, do all the things that remind you of your high value.

4. Dealing with Depression

Breaking up with a partner can be heartbreaking, and if the partner had BPD, there were a myriad of emotions at play. From having someone in your life constantly to being single alone can be depressing. But you have to focus on the sense of liberation it brings you.

Focus on the calm and be attentive to the fact that you can finally live your own life without constantly being answerable to someone and or being careful of every word and action for fear of triggering your partner. Seek therapy if you have to.

5. Grow your Circle

Dating a BPD can often result in social isolation. You may have focused on your partner entirely and, on the other hand, let go of your friends and family. You need a lot of support and strength during this phase in your life, so try to grow your circle.

Reconnect with your old friends; join a class where you can meet like-minded people, or go for trips that allow you to expand your horizons. When you fill your life with new people and experiences, you will find it easier to move on.

6. Start Dating Again

Although it may seem counter-intuitive at first, start dating again once you have given yourself some time to get your bearings back. Do not do it too soon to get rid of the past. Rather, process the grief and acknowledge that your dating life with your partner with BPD is over.

The traumatic experience could make you feel less worthy, and you may feel something is wrong with you. But once you start dating again, you will have a clear vision and power to identify toxic traits. And you will realize that not everyone has emotional baggage or mental health issues like BPD.

The Importance of Therapy in Recovering from Dating Someone with BPD

When you are in a relationship with someone with BPD, the aftermath can leave you empty and drained. In extreme cases, you might even experience PTSD. Being emotionally bombarded and often mentally abused is nothing short of trauma, and your brain will register it in the same way as it registers a violent accident.

This is when you should seek therapy to get back on your feet. You could, of course, go for therapy together with your partner with BPD. However, if you have already quit the relationship, you should still consider therapy to let go of any emotional strain. It can be difficult to come to terms with whatever happened, but your therapist will be able to talk to you and tell you none of it was your fault.

Final Thoughts

The first step to moving on from a partner with BPD is to realize that it is not your fault that the relationship did not work. Therapy can help you get there. Those with BPD are often in denial about their condition. And it can be difficult for a mentally healthy person to keep track of their highs and lows.

You have to trust yourself and trust the process to let go, finally. And you have to do that before you get into any future relationships. Or else, you will simply carry your baggage and project your trauma onto the next partner. Healing is your responsibility, and therapy will surely help you recognize your true self again.