Do you often suffer with the thought that nobody loves you or you are very unlovable?
Trust me, you are not alone. We all go through this feeling at one point or another.
Especially if we have just parted ways with someone very close to our heart, but this feeling of being incapable of love has much more to do with ourselves than how people treat us.
So, let’s look at the reasons why you feel unlovable and how to deal with it.
What Does It Mean To Feel Unlovable?
Feeling unlovable is a mental state where we think that people don’t or rather can’t love us. It is a strong belief that one creates about oneself for a lot of reasons.
But it’s worth mentioning that while one might think that they are unlovable or undesirable, the truth can be far from that.
You will be shocked to learn that celebrities like Billie Eilish, Kristen Stewart, Jenifer Lawrence, and many more had their fair share of feeling unlovable and undesired. While people like you and me will only wonder why on earth they would think like that!
But what exactly does it feel like to be unlovable? And how to know if you feel unlovable?
Well, here are some common experiences people go through when they feel unlovable.
- They may start seeing their minute flaws as big problems and believe that they can be a reason for others to dislike them.
- They may feel undesirable due to their past.
- They might start believing that they are unlucky in love and everyone else apart from them can get love.
7 Reasons Why You Feel Unlovable
Now that we have established what feeling unlovable seems to most, here are some reasons why you might feel that way.
Depression can take a jab at our self-confidence and alter our thought processes in a very detrimental way. If you are depressed, you can often experience cognitive distortion, where your thoughts and beliefs can be far from reality.
You can start seeing things more negatively and overlook the good that’s happening around you. In short, while being depressed, you will likely focus on flaws and negativities, and as a result, you may start believing that you are unlovable.
2. Borderline Personality Disorder
If you are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, it can get difficult for you to have a stable perception of yourself and your surroundings. You might often contradict your thoughts and try to see bad in good.
The biggest disadvantage of people with borderline personality disorder is their splitting nature, which is an all-or-nothing type of thought process.
By doing so, again, you are more vulnerable to filling your mind with negative thoughts and believing you are unlovable for those reasons.
3. Fear Of Attachment/ Abandonment
Most of us develop an attachment style based on our early experiences in life. If your early relationships in life, be it with parents, friends, or partners, have scarred you in any way, you might have developed attachment issues.
If someone in your childhood, preteens, or teenage has suddenly abandoned you or treated you poorly, that trauma can amplify in your adulthood as a fear of attachment/abandonment. And as a result, you might grow up believing that you are unworthy of love.
If you have had emotionally abusive relationships in the past, especially during your formative years, then that can distort your perception of reality very negatively.
People who abuse you emotionally often prey on your weaknesses and make them a big deal just to make you believe that there’s something wrong with you and that’s why you are unworthy of love.
Emotional abusers will always cover their shortcomings by putting the blame on you and will make you believe that if you weren’t the way you are, they would have treated you better. This is also a form of gaslighting where the abuser will solely blame you for the downfall of the relationship.
5. Low Self-esteem
If your self-esteem is very low, you can have a hard time believing that anything good can happen to you. So naturally, receiving love or getting attention might seem an alien concept to you.
6. Past Trauma
If something very traumatic has happened to someone in the past (i.e., some important person’s death or a partner cheating on them), rather than accepting how things are, people can start blaming themselves for the situation.
They can get absurd thoughts like, if they were better, their partner wouldn’t have cheated on them. If they had taken better care of the other person, the patient would have lived.
They start believing whatever hard feelings they are going through, they deserve it, and they are unworthy of things like love.
7. Having Selective Memory
Having a selective memory means you tend to hold onto more specific kinds of memories compared to the others. So, if your default selection is more inclined towards keeping negative memories, then you’ll eventually feel like your life is full of negativity.
For example, you might not remember the day your parents cooked your favorite dish, but remember the time they denied buying a new phone for you.
Therefore, if you typically store more memories of where people misbehaved with you or didn’t act in your favour, you can start believing that no one loves you because you are unlovable.
Consequences Of Feeling Unlovable For Too Long
If you keep believing you are unlovable for too long, the biggest impact it will have will be on the relationships you have in your life.
- You might end up pushing people away, thinking that their emotions aren’t genuine or they have some ulterior motive behind coming close to you.
- Or you might develop people-pleasing behavior that will stop you from being honest in any relationship, let alone being true to yourself.
- Another huge drawback of believing that you are unworthy of love is having difficulties in setting healthy boundaries. You can continue being exploited by abusive people in return for their bare minimum efforts, as you believe you don’t deserve more than that.
How To Cope With The Feeling Of Being Unlovable?
Here are some tips for you to cope with the self-sabotaging feeling.
Accept How You Feel
The first step in healing from any emotional distress is to acknowledge it. If you feel unloved or unworthy of love, you must have the courage to admit how you are feeling, no matter how vulnerable that makes you.
Try To Understand The Reason
Once you have acknowledged the emotional state you are in, you need to find and understand the reasons behind it. The reasons can be as old as when you were a kid, but you must think thoroughly to go to its roots.
If you find difficulties doing it on your own, you can consider getting help from professionals.
Remember That Your Feelings Aren’t The Reality
In the process of healing, you must remember that your feelings are your own and they are not facts. So when you feel unlovable or unworthy of love, it is on you rather than the other person.
To shift your mindset from negative to positive, you need to practice mindfulness. You start by journaling to unload your negative thoughts. You can also try starting your day with positive affirmations and avoid negative thoughts about yourself.
Stop Comparing Your Life Experiences With Others
No two people can have the exact same life path. So if you see a friend who is 30, married, and lives happily with their kids, it doesn’t mean you would have the same when you reach 30.
There is no need to compare yourself to others, and love isn’t something only a few people deserve- it is for everyone.
Try To Have A Strong Support System
Emotions like these are often hard to get over on your own, so don’t hesitate to ask for your friends and family’s help.
Share your feelings with them, and they can help you address your negative thoughts better.
No, it is a feeling that only one can feel about themselves.
In most cases, people who settle for less than they deserve have the fear of abandonment. They think if they ask for more, the other person might leave them.
Everyone deserves to be loved, but since the other person is a human, too, you might need to earn it. The answer greatly depends on what type of relationship we are looking at. If it is a parent-child relationship, then emotion might come more organically compared to when we look at partners.
Remember, it is okay to have insecurities and feelings like these, but you must not let them affect your life. If the thoughts of being unlovable and being unlucky in love keep recurring in your mind and nothing we said here helped you, try getting help from experts.
She is an experienced Clinical Psychologist and Mental Health Writer with a decade of expertise in psychology. Skilled in assessment, therapy, and patient care. Committed to helping individuals through clinical practice and mental health writing at Therapyjourney.co. Passionate about promoting mental well-being and awareness. Open to aligned opportunities.